Top Ten Forms of Procrastination

Top Ten Forms of Procrastination

1. Watching Jeremy Kyle re-runs. I’m working from home for the day, and I CAN do this.  I sit down for breakfast and flick on the telly for ten minutes.  Max.  So imagine my dismay when, at some point mid-afternoon, I find myself nestled into a goodly depression in the sofa, having spent a number of hours inanely catching flies in front of twelve consecutive Jeremy Kyles.   And as I watch I realise I’ve seen this one before.  I know full well that Sammi-Jo is lying through her teeth and Romeo is not the father, but still I feel it necessary to gape open mouthed, perched on the edge of my seat, captivated.  Perhaps it’s the suspense in the studio, Jeremy fumbling with the oversized envelope, Big Will poised on standby.  But something makes me think that – oh God, I don’t know – maybe this time it will be different.  Maybe Romeo is the biological father of little Shanice.

But Shanice’s fate, trapped in a pixelated continuum, is fixed and unchanging.  Unlike my employment status.

2. Reading About and Judging ‘Celebrities’.Oh Daily Mail Online, how I relish your uncomplicated lure as deadline day looms.  I’m sat at my desk, fresh mug of coffee to my left, all relevant material fanned before me.  I have a press release to compose and distribute for a fairly important client and I must begin right away.  I’m ready to go.  But what’s that you say? Katie Price dons unsavoury leggings and crop-top combo for a night on the town?  Kerry Katona dumped again?  OH GOD, HOW YOU HAVE FORSAKEN ME.  Rich with the misfortune of irrelevant celebrities, afternoons are sacrificed mercilessly at the hands of tabloid journalism.

3. Watching My Twitter Feed.There is nothing more time consuming than keeping up with one’s Twitter feed.  When following a wealth of fascinating characters, reality TV stars, organisations, and Lord Voldemort, there is simply too much enjoyment to be extracted from observing in no more than 140 delightful characters, the intricacies of others’ existence.

So. Much. Irrelevant. Information. To. Process.

4. Having a Bath.Ahh bath-time, an excuse so rich in plausibility.  For cleanliness is essential.  And of course if I’m drawing a bath anyway I might as well go the whole hog and get the bubble bath out.  I won’t be showering later tonight if I bathe now, so I’d better wash my hair too.  And where are those candles…

But alas! You cannot take a laptop in the bath.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve left the taps running…

5. Eating. Woe betide my 30-year-old self.  Merely informed guesswork, but I doubt spending my 20s shovelling any form of edible matter in the general direction of my face every time I find myself approaching an important deadline will bode well for my figure in the long-term.

6. Fine-Tuning My Blog / Fixing the Stats.Continually refreshing my own blog page in a vain attempt to up the stats.

7.  Rayman.A classic tool for procrastination, this PS1 favourite never fails to sufficiently distract when I find myself with a project of considerable weight hanging over me.  How, I ask, could I concentrate on a task so trivial as paid employment when the Great Protoon is at the mercy of Mister Dark, thus compromising the future of Rayman’s world?

To the Cave of Skops!

8. Researching Old Flames On Wikipedia.And by ‘old flame’ I don’t mean ex-boyfriends.  No, no.  I am referring to past celebrity crushes. You know, Zac from Hanson, Aaron Carter, Adam Rickitt of Corrie fame. Though their heyday may be over, I often find my old favourites have crafted delightful new paths for themselves. Whilst Hanson are still very much alive and Mmm Boppin’, and Aaron Carter powers on in the eternal shadow of his elder brother Nick, Adam Rickitt has enjoyed a rather more colourful destiny.  Though currently starring in New Zealand soap opera ‘Shortland Street’, Rickett still holds dear an ambition of a career in politics, even once threatening to overturn Nicholas Winterton as Conservative MP for Macclesfield.  Big dreams.

And obviously, having this information is of paramount importance.  Knowledge is power, after all.

9. Physical Exercise. A last resort, granted.  But when Jeremy Kyle finishes and the kitchen is bare, I can think of nothing with more tremendous benefit than slipping into some quite questionable sportswear and heading off on a light jog.  Slash walk.

10. Writing Lists of all the Things I Should Be Doing Rather than Procrastinating.Or, indeed, a list of my top ten forms of procrastination.

by Laura Moulden

Laura is a 23-year old wine enthusiast from Blackburn. Currently residing in Manchester and quite dangerously self-employed, writing is her passion and procrastination her talent. Can often be caught early in the morning drinking coffee and reading magazines. If spending an unjustifiable amount of time on less important tasks didn’t get in the way, she would most certainly give more time to her blog: http://www.lauraem.blogspot.com/.