1) The Quarter To’s
Suggested by a drunken drummer, this name is awkward to punctuate, and I just couldn’t imagine it appearing in text larger than about 10pt. The apostrophe is so wrong, but leave it out and it looks like you’re called The Quarter Toss, which if anything is worse.
2) Midland Railway
This band actually existed , and soldiered on for a number of years, but the attempt to harness the untapped ‘Trainspotter Chic’ market was doomed to failure. Note the absence of a definite article.
3) Soviet Moonshot
Named after a hideous stuffed toy, purchased from ebay, which featured the body of a cat and the tail of a dolphin. The name clearly strives for of a sense of post-rock abstraction, but sadly falls short. As much a genetic freak as the toy which inspired it.
4) Dear Mr Dickinson
We were trying to think of a name. The guitarist had a letter in his pocket. It was addressed to Mr Dickinson. I have a secret fondness for this name, which conjures up images of Sarah Records style jangly indie, but not the Fall tribute act in suits which it was lumped with.
5) Monte Cassino
Monte Cassino is the collected name given to the four battles which made up the Allies’ assault on Rome in 1944. We thought it sounded like Monty Python. Both irritatingly knowing and uselessly obscure, I have to take the blame for this one.
6) Stephen Bray and the Furious Motherfuckers
Mainly suggested because it was ludicrously inappropriate. Top tip – never tell your singer he can have his name in the title, even as a joke. ‘Well, I like the first part…’
7) Kate Beats
We had a friend called Kate Beats. She wasn’t in the band though.
Porphyria is believed to be the cause of ‘The Madness of King George’. It turns your urine purple, causes blisters and swellings, and can make hair grow on your forehead, which is a great set of images to conjure up for your audience. May be suitable for teen Goths, however.
9) The Moodswingers
I don’t have much to say about this really. Could work for a teenage girl punk band. Not so much for two young boys playing in their parents’ spare room.
10) The Shaken Babies
Plumbing new depths of inappropriateness, this was to be the name of a Manchester dandy supergroup led by Joshua ben Joseph. The Daily Mail headlines write themselves.
By Thom Cuell
Thom Cuell is a lazy lit blogger, failed popstar, dandy and self-styled cultural consultant. He talks about books and performance at http://workshyfop.blogspot.com, and details amusing things his girlfriend does on @TheWorkshyFop. His online moniker seemed a good idea until employers started using google to filter job applicants.