10. Drew a picture of a pig in a pirate costume and named him Geoffrey. Developed Geoffrey’s character a little, FYI – he’s had a sad past because both his parents were eaten by rival pirates. He wants to be vegan but he eats a lot of swill and can’t guarantee what the ingredients are. He’s a good pig really but he has got quite an unshakeable addiction to rum and accidentally killed his little sister, Mollie, who is a Hello Kitty doll that I won in a grabbing machine in the student bar.
9. Rolled a cigarette out of three rizla papers like I used to do when I smoked pot. Got half way down it and felt a little sick.
8. Tried to learn origami, made a swan, then considered buying lots of construction paper and making a whole army of swans. Put that on my list of things to do. Could be one of my “things”.
7. Got involved in a heated Direct Message argument regarding Posh Boys – their pros and cons. E,g
Pros: Sound a bit like Hugh Grant, sometimes are quite moneyed, sometimes have a bit of
homosexuality lurking in their history which excites me, often dressed like farmers /
croupiers, have such a lack of awareness of the world that they are borderline autistic,
are endlessly fascinated by things like Greggs and fish fingers, sexually quiet submissive.
Cons: there’s a risk they vote Conservative / are in the Conservative party, are often much
cleverer than me which threatens my fragile poetic ego, not used to not getting what they
want / perhaps too demanding in the bedroom, pronounce “house” as “hice”.
Came to the conclusion that the pros outweigh the cons and resolved to move to London and meet a young aristocrat, marry him, and seduce him out of his millions.
7. Watched every single episode of Peep Show ever made. Felt an enormous sense of achievement. Said: “This is bullshit, Mark” in the voice of Johnson to the essay staring at me from the computer screen. Laughed at my own impermeable wit.
6. Thought about setting up a separate Tumblr account reserved entirely for pictures of dogs in party hats / the pictures of dogs are interspersed with quotes attributed to Gustave Flaubert adding a sort of deep yet haunting quality to the pictures.
5. Painted my nails black, waited for the polish to dry, scraped it all off with my teeth, painted them again and remembered how when I was at primary school I’d put that weird paste glue on my hands and then wait for it to dry and be wholly fascinated and satisfied with peeling it back off again. Like putting your hand in a bag of rice, that level of satisfaction.
4. Downloaded an app on my phone that helps me to learn German. Hated the app’s condescending tone and developed many negative opinions on the woman narrating the app and why she has such a fucking hectoring, superior tone.
3. Thought about my future in academia, worried that if I can’t even write this one stupid essay then I should probably give up all together; imagined I could be a famous poet and live in and out of decadent squats in Mayfair and Chelsea, make friends with people called Allegra and Thibault, imagined the reality to be more like signing on the dole and working as a checkout girl forever, repeating witty epigrams to the more articulate of my customers without warning, getting a reputation as “crazy Asda lady”. Still it’s a possibility I wouldn’t entirely shirk from.
2. Tried to make a secret compartment in a book to hide secret things in. Ruined a book and have nothing small / secret enough to hide.
1. Went to write “Twitter” into my browser but autofill suggested “TW Adorno Holocaust theory” and swore aloud at my computer for eating into my social networks. Seeing this as a sign of such commitment to my research, bought a bottle of wine and drank it to reward myself for all my hard work.
by Sian Rathore
Sian Rathore: 22 years old, recently published by Bad Language, Cake and Stride magazine, forthcoming work appearing in Up Literature, newly appointed fiction editor of Metazen, poet and critic.