Top Ten Forms of Procrastination

Top Ten Forms of Procrastination

1. Watching Jeremy Kyle re-runs. I’m working from home for the day, and I CAN do this.  I sit down for breakfast and flick on the telly for ten minutes.  Max.  So imagine my dismay when, at some point mid-afternoon, I find myself nestled into a goodly depression in the sofa, having spent a number of hours inanely catching flies in front of twelve consecutive Jeremy Kyles.   And as I watch I realise I’ve seen this one before.  I know full well that Sammi-Jo is lying through her teeth and Romeo is not the father, but still I feel it necessary to gape open mouthed, perched on the edge of my seat, captivated.  Perhaps it’s the suspense in the studio, Jeremy fumbling with the oversized envelope, Big Will poised on standby.  But something makes me think that – oh God, I don’t know – maybe this time it will be different.  Maybe Romeo is the biological father of little Shanice.

But Shanice’s fate, trapped in a pixelated continuum, is fixed and unchanging.  Unlike my employment status.

2. Reading About and Judging ‘Celebrities’.Oh Daily Mail Online, how I relish your uncomplicated lure as deadline day looms.  I’m sat at my desk, fresh mug of coffee to my left, all relevant material fanned before me.  I have a press release to compose and distribute for a fairly important client and I must begin right away.  I’m ready to go.  But what’s that you say? Katie Price dons unsavoury leggings and crop-top combo for a night on the town?  Kerry Katona dumped again?  OH GOD, HOW YOU HAVE FORSAKEN ME.  Rich with the misfortune of irrelevant celebrities, afternoons are sacrificed mercilessly at the hands of tabloid journalism.

3. Watching My Twitter Feed.There is nothing more time consuming than keeping up with one’s Twitter feed.  When following a wealth of fascinating characters, reality TV stars, organisations, and Lord Voldemort, there is simply too much enjoyment to be extracted from observing in no more than 140 delightful characters, the intricacies of others’ existence.

So. Much. Irrelevant. Information. To. Process.

4. Having a Bath.Ahh bath-time, an excuse so rich in plausibility.  For cleanliness is essential.  And of course if I’m drawing a bath anyway I might as well go the whole hog and get the bubble bath out.  I won’t be showering later tonight if I bathe now, so I’d better wash my hair too.  And where are those candles…

But alas! You cannot take a laptop in the bath.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve left the taps running…

5. Eating. Woe betide my 30-year-old self.  Merely informed guesswork, but I doubt spending my 20s shovelling any form of edible matter in the general direction of my face every time I find myself approaching an important deadline will bode well for my figure in the long-term.

6. Fine-Tuning My Blog / Fixing the Stats.Continually refreshing my own blog page in a vain attempt to up the stats.

7.  Rayman.A classic tool for procrastination, this PS1 favourite never fails to sufficiently distract when I find myself with a project of considerable weight hanging over me.  How, I ask, could I concentrate on a task so trivial as paid employment when the Great Protoon is at the mercy of Mister Dark, thus compromising the future of Rayman’s world?

To the Cave of Skops!

8. Researching Old Flames On Wikipedia.And by ‘old flame’ I don’t mean ex-boyfriends.  No, no.  I am referring to past celebrity crushes. You know, Zac from Hanson, Aaron Carter, Adam Rickitt of Corrie fame. Though their heyday may be over, I often find my old favourites have crafted delightful new paths for themselves. Whilst Hanson are still very much alive and Mmm Boppin’, and Aaron Carter powers on in the eternal shadow of his elder brother Nick, Adam Rickitt has enjoyed a rather more colourful destiny.  Though currently starring in New Zealand soap opera ‘Shortland Street’, Rickett still holds dear an ambition of a career in politics, even once threatening to overturn Nicholas Winterton as Conservative MP for Macclesfield.  Big dreams.

And obviously, having this information is of paramount importance.  Knowledge is power, after all.

9. Physical Exercise. A last resort, granted.  But when Jeremy Kyle finishes and the kitchen is bare, I can think of nothing with more tremendous benefit than slipping into some quite questionable sportswear and heading off on a light jog.  Slash walk.

10. Writing Lists of all the Things I Should Be Doing Rather than Procrastinating.Or, indeed, a list of my top ten forms of procrastination.

by Laura Moulden

Laura is a 23-year old wine enthusiast from Blackburn. Currently residing in Manchester and quite dangerously self-employed, writing is her passion and procrastination her talent. Can often be caught early in the morning drinking coffee and reading magazines. If spending an unjustifiable amount of time on less important tasks didn’t get in the way, she would most certainly give more time to her blog: http://www.lauraem.blogspot.com/.

Top 10 things I would’ve invented if someone else hadn’t beaten me to it

There’s an old saying/lie that goes something like ‘everyone has a novel in them’ but I reckon we all have at least one invention that would make life better/easier/more enjoyable for all. Here’s ten I would’ve invented if someone hadn’t beaten me to it.

1 – Pockets: Did you know that pockets that were first thought of by a Roman, Julius Pocketus? He would hang the cloth pockets from his toga and keep useful items in them like small change and the keys to his chariot. However, in Roman times, coinage was made from very heavy metal and chariot keys carved from granite, so Julius’ toga was often falling down, so pockets never caught on. The modern idea of a pocket as being an integral part of a garment was resurrected by forward-thinking tailor, Robert ‘Bob’ Farah, as he wanted somewhere to store a comb and his wallet while out of an evening and really didn’t want to be seen carrying a bag.

2 – Toast: With the addition of butter, bread is pretty awesome on its own. However, if you add a little bit of heat to the sliced bread and you’ve got perhaps the greatest, simplest meal you can make. In fact, The addition of a nice cup of tea to this makes a food/drink combination that is without equal.

3 – The internet: It would’ve taken me a while but I would’ve invented the internet if Sir Tim Berners-Lee hadn’t beaten me to, but I’m not one to complain so hats off to Sir Tim. The internet is a the first modern wonder of the digital age and has brought all manner of delights from across the world to your internet-connected device. The £10 a month I spend on Spotify is easily the best value tenner I spend a month and Skype is a godsend for keeping in touch with family all around the world. Also, Berners-Lee is a nice bit of rhyming slang for a cup of tea.

4 – The right to roam: In his fabulous folk song, The Manchester Rambler, Ewan MacColl wrote that ‘no man has the right to own mountains’ and he was right. If people hadn’t have trespassed up Kinder Scout a while back, I’d climbing over walls instead of stiles now.

5 – Central heating: Though it’s probably the root cause of global warming, central heating is the bees knees. It’s so great to have that you only really notice it now when you visit somewhere that doesn’t have central heating, like New Zealand. New Zealand is a lovely country which can get quite cold in the winter. But instead of having central heating and insulation they use warm air heaters and electric blankets. This means you end up being in a house that has heat, not a warm house. Also, your washing never dries! I might move to New Zealand and introduce central heating and claim it is my invention.

6 – Family and friends: I really don’t like to think about this because it’s too big for my little brain to ponder for too long. But be safe in the knowledge that If family and friends hadn’t already been invented, I would’ve saved you from an awful life of constant loneliness.

7 – Recycling: Whoever thought that putting rubbish in a big whole in the ground was an idiot: “We’ll just dig a hole and throw our rubbish in it.”
“But won’t it fill up eventually?”
“Nah, it’ll be alright.”
What a doofus. Well done to the person that invented recycling. I’m glad you beat me to it.

8 – Spoonerisms: I don’t come up with these in my everyday speech, I just like the way they sound and subvert the original phrase, like a lack of pies, or a sock cucker. Well done on your early invention Reverend William Archibald Spooner, I’m glad it’s named after you because Gowism doesn’t flow all that well.

9 – Fresh sheets: You can be skint, down in the dumps, dumped, hungover, dog tired or just want to treat yourself on a Sunday evening;  and what is the simplest most effective way of giving yourself a touch of luxury? Putting clean, fresh sheets on your bed and sliding under the duvet. No rogue hairs, no PJs under the pillow, no leftover hot water bottle, and certainly no crumbs. Just you and the cotton. Or, if you’re posh, silk. If fresh sheets weren’t with us I’d have invented both washing powder and washing machines just to make this happen.

10 – The Dictionary: Full of words you’ll never need to know and words you’ll never know how to spell, no matter how often you look them up. The only place that liminology and limousine can sit comfortably side-by-side. For those who like lists (and if you’re reading this site then I guess that includes you), the dictionary is the ultimate list. Bow down and accept, that no matter how good your one invention is, it is never, ever, ever, going to come close to the dictionary.

by Aaron Gow

Like most ‘aspiring’ writers, Aaron writes guff like this all the time sporadically. If you want to read it then check out his blog.

Top Ten Movie Moments I wish had happened to me

As Marina Diamandis, of Marina and the Diamonds fame, put it: ‘Hollywood infected your brain / You wanted kissing in the rain / Living in a movie scene / Puking American Dreams’. Well yes Marina you’re right, I did/am (you have only a fleeting grasp of staying in tense it seems). There is a scene in almost every film I watch where I sit in front of the TV or cinema screen thinking: ‘That could be me…’ Here are ten of my favourite ‘I wish that had happened to me’ moments.

10 – Sugar High, Empire Records

I can’t sing and although I’ve tried everything from the recorder to electric guitar I can’t play any instruments either. Despite this I harbour secret ambitions to be in a band, much like Ms Zellweger’s character Gina in Empire Records. As chance would have it, only a few short hours after confessing this desire to her friends Gina finds herself on top of a record store with a full band being asked to sing (if you can call it that). The song is perfect, shouty enough to cover any dodgy vocals and bouncy enough to accommodate nervous jumping about. Perhaps now I have sent my dream out into cyberspace I too will be called upon to sing Sugar High on top of a shop? Maybe not. I’d probably just forget the words and bounce myself right off the roof.

9 –House Fight, Mr and Mrs Smith

If I found myself in a fight to the death scenario in my kitchen I would like it to be with Brad Pitt. I would also like to know that I was a world class assassin with a huge arsenal of weapons at my disposal and enough money to rebuild the kitchen after we’ve finished blowing massive holes in it.

8 – Diamonds Are a Girl’s Best Friend, Moulin Rouge

I once spent a summer attending Circus School and learning how to perform tricks on a trapeze. No, really. I came home after every lesson with hideously bruised arms and rope burned thighs. Not so for Nicole Kidman in Moulin Rouge. She gets to sit pretty on a giant trapeze, singing a song about being showered with jewels, as she is lowered into a crowd of happy revellers. When I fell off the trapeze I landed on a blue gym mat and got shouted at by a scary woman from Latvia. When Satine falls off she is caught by a muscled man and gently borne away to her dressing room. Yes she’s dying, but she looks beautiful doing it.

7 – Learning to Fly, How to Train Your Dragon

Okay, so it’s an animation and he’s a small Viking boy, but he has a pet dragon. Any sort of pet that breathes fire and doubles as free transportation is a winner with me. I always wanted to have a dog big enough to ride around on when I was little. I used to try and saddle up the cat, but you know cats, selfish little bastards.

6 – Blowing Up the Old Bailey, V For Vendetta

Should I ever have call to need saving in a dark alleyway, it would be a huge bonus if it happened to be by a highly articulate, masked man with a coat full of knives and a predilection for pyromania. Viva La Revolution!

5 – Telekinetic Dancing, Matilda

Wouldn’t it be great to be telekinetic? I became mildly obsessed by the concept after reading Matilda when I was in Primary School. I wasted many an hour staring hard at inanimate objects in my bedroom and trying to move them using only the power of my mind. Like Matilda in this scene I imagine that if I’d ever achieved it, a large portion of my childhood would have been spent dancing to 1950’s Rock and Roll whilst making my mum’s ornaments whizz around above my head.

4 – Dance Magic Dance, Labyrinth

Did I want to be the beautiful girl fulfilling an important quest to save her baby brother from a terrible fate? No. I wanted to be one of the little goblins dancing around with David Bowie. I was either very cool or very disturbed. I’m betting on the latter.

3 – The First Fight, Sucker Punch

Okay, I’ll admit that this is a bit of an odd one. Obviously I’m not wishing for an evil step-father to send me to an insane asylum for a lobotomy. But, if that did happen then I would like to discover that I am in fact a hardcore, kick-ass, heroine type. As someone who spends their days creating fictional literary worlds, it would be nice to think that should I fall into a reality filled with abuse and torture that I could just magic up a new world in which I could overcome any foe without breaking a sweat or ruffling my hair.

2 – Ferris Wheel, The Notebook

Noah is so desperate for a date with Allie, a girl he has met for two seconds five minutes earlier, that he throws himself onto a moving Ferris Wheel to talk to her. The closest I’ve ever come to this sort of grand gesture is a drunken phone call in the early hours of the morning from a boy who’d got my phone number from a friend. Hardly comparable. What I really love about this scene though is that Allie unfastens his trousers and leaves him hanging there in his grimy pants for all the town to see. That girl has enough self-confidence to power the Large Hadron Collider.

1 - Kissing in the Rain, Breakfast at Tiffany’s

What woman doesn’t want to brand herself a free spirit, capriciously reject the love of a beautiful man and throw her cat out of a taxi, only to change her mind upon the production of an engagement ring and have everything turn out just fine? She even found the cat. In my world Cat would be long gone, Paul would have met a supermodel the second he stepped out of the cab and my make-up would have run down my face in the rain. Some girls have all the luck.

by Jordana Hill

Jordana Hill is currently studying for an MA in Creative Writing at The University of Manchester and working on her first novel. She tweets nonsense at @jordana_hill